If you’re at all like me, and let me pause here and say “I’m sorry” if you are, then you have sometimes wondered what Heavenly Father was up to. Maybe you have petty moments when you’re feeling sorry for yourself, or maybe you have genuine pain that won’t go away no matter what you do, no matter how righteously you try to live. I find myself there sometimes. While I may not murmur aloud, there are occasional murmurs in my heart that shouldn’t be there. This weekend was one of those times.
Faced with the consequences of someone’s unrighteousness, coupled with an impossible schedule and some health issues, and I found myself falling into a mild form of depression. My heart was murmuring. I turned to prayer and the Scriptures to try and terminate any further unrighteous thinking. I went back over my lesson for Relief Society which was on charity. I prayed, and I prayed. Though I learned a lot, it seemed like there was no relief.
Then I received a phone call from a dear, dear sister who had to give me some bad news. It was like the tiny push that sent me over the edge. Instantly I dissolved into tears. Then I got silent trying to regain my composure. After all, it wasn’t this sister’s fault. She made a comment that puzzled me. She said, “Heavenly Father must have a lot of confidence in you.” I wondered at that statement.
Does confidence always have to mean difficulty? Does growth always have to come from adversity? Am I incapable of growing during times of rest? I sure need some rest. Again, my heart was murmuring.
Then this morning, while reading in the chapel, I came across this phrase:
And thus Laman and Lemuel, being the eldest, did murmur against their father. And they did murmur because they knew not the dealings of that God who had created them.
Such conviction filled my heart. That was me. I didn’t want it to be, but there it was in black and white. The reason I am murmuring is because I am not trusting in my Father. My Father who created me. My Father who sacrificed everything for me, even His firstborn Son. My Father who patiently deals with my selfishness every day.
There is a phrase in I Peter that talks about the Savior, when facing great injustice and unrighteousness, “entrusted Himself to Him who judges justly.” He did that because He KNEW His Father. He trusted Him. It was time for me to trust Him too and stop murmuring. If I’m having trouble doing that, it means that I need to get to know Him even more. I never want it said of me that I knew not my God.